This is not a safe space. Preconceived notions about self may get shattered. Unconscious patterns may be revealed. You may not like what you encounter. Fighting one’s demons isn’t always pretty. Beautiful, but only if you’ve cultivated a taste for destruction.

Part of submitting to life is accepting that there is not always such thing as a guarantee of a safe space.  Creating a safe space is a beautiful ideology, but impossible to promise another when it comes to practice. One can never guarantee complete and total safety, as much as we may like to. It can be dangerous to assume you have the ability to provide someone with a safe space. Everyone’s triggers differ. The process of exploring self and how we relate is never completely safe. All we can do is offer openness and accountability for what comes up. “Safety” is not a guarantee, especially if you are seeking transformation.

People who preach “Safe, Sane and Consensual” ideologies are providing false assurances. Someone who offers a “safe space” doesn’t necessarily know what “safe” looks like to you. They don’t know when a place that was “safe” for you suddenly becomes “unsafe”. This could be caused by a word, a look, a touch or a subtle energy shift. This can be caused by something completely imperceptible to the other party. We can use our intuition and learned experience to hold space for others, but anyone who assumes this means the space is safe, risks making the assumption that they know you better than you know yourself.

We are all impacted by our experiences and implicated by our current and previous relationships. Part of the work that I do, is to try and provide space for people to somatically explore how previous relationships have impacted them and to investigate the patterns of how they relate to others and to themselves. In the dungeon, we explore how the traumas of existing in the world affect our lives, and how this energy can get trapped in the body and wreak havoc in them. We explore how this trauma can create unhealthy patterns and ways of relating and can unconsciously influence all of our actions.

Part of this work means the relationship between myself and my subject becomes the stage where the dance of “re-relating” takes place. This often involves examining how power dynamics have influenced our lives and what it brings up for us when we feel powerless. Do you feel freed by submission? Does it bring up greater anxieties of self-worth? Do you experience these two dissonant feelings simultaneously? Becoming aware of the Self is never comfortable. This is why many find meditation so challenging.  

I do my best to hold space for whatever forces come into play and to create a gentle resolution to ease you back into life as you know it. However, it can become difficult to make the transition back once you become aware. The things that come up when exploring power dynamics, devotion and submission can’t always be easily left in the dungeon. The things learned are often difficult to put into words. At times, growth can looks like destruction and effort must be devoted to rebuilding. This is what karma is: working through our shit and collecting more. A continual ebbing and flowing of growth.

When engaging in intense emotional play, it is important to do the work of self-exploration. This benefits both you and your partner. I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions, and do your best to communicate what comes up to your partner(s):

-What makes you feel safe?

-What are your triggers? Hard limits? These things can be physical activities, emotional boundaries, words, a certain type of touch, lighting, noises… It is not just limited to BDSM activities.

-What makes you want to explore play?

-How do your previous experiences influence your sexuality and experience of submission?

-What does submission look like to you? What does submission mean to you?

-What do you hope to get out of play/exploration?

-How do you feed your masochist? On a conscious and unconscious basis, emotional and physical level?

-What are your fears? Are they things to be explored or avoided?

-What does aftercare look like to you?

-What does the ideal session look like to you? Physically, mentally, emotionally?

-Where have things gone wrong in the past and how can you avoid them? Or what has prevented you from exploring in the past?

What I offer is a stage to explore, to communicate, to hold and to be held accountable. I wish to explore deeply with people who are willing to engage in an emotional exchange and offer their vulnerability to me. I enjoy exploring with those wishing to explore complete submission. To the process, and to me. This is my humble offering. No more. No less.

(I do not recommend intense emotional play for someone without a support system. I encourage anyone who is exploring intense and ongoing relational BDSM play with me to begin work with a BDSM-aware mental health practitioner. I am not a mental health practitioner.)

Resources:

There Are No Safe Spaces.

2016 Kaleidoscopes of Chaos – How Traumatic Boundary Violations Destroy The Capacity for Self-Care

One of the best gifts you can give your Domina is work on your own self acceptance and self awareness. Learning to accept and integrate your desires will make you a more competent slave with more space and breath from which to serve. Here are four suggestions to help turn your own search for self acceptance into an offering for your Mistress.

Cultivating Acceptance Through Community:

Begin to cultivate acceptance of your deepest and darkest desires. Having a desire that society tells you is ‘abnormal’ can be an incredibly isolating experience. It can be helpful to find community and engage with it in some capacity. That may come in the form of online communities or in-person events such as a workshop, lecture or party. Taking action to engage with like-minded people will help you become unburdened from shame and better able to serve.

Sit With Yourself and Reflect:

Don’t fight your desires. Be present with them. A fetish or strong a desire can be a point of extreme vulnerability, but can also be an entryway to exploring your inner workings. Numbing yourself from your desires will prevent this opportunity to excavate and explore. Journaling, cultivating a devotional yoga practice, seeking out play with trusted partners or professionals or talking to a BDSM aware Mental Health Professional are all great ways to begin the process of radical self acceptance.

Lift the Veil of Shame:

Attempting to repress a desire can cause you to lose control over your actions. Figuring out what is at the root of your desire will help you find ways to explore and express your desires in a healthy and controlled manner. Shame is a social construct. Why should you feel shame at expressing a part of yourself with consenting adults? Self-loathing and shame cloud one’s ability to see clearly and devote themselves to the divine. Sometimes it is just a matter of shifting your perspective to find self acceptance.

“I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it is shameful to be a woman.” – Iggy Pop

 

A Path to Catharsis:

Some people find humiliation play to be an extremely cathartic way to explore their insecurities and desires. Being teased and nudged and encouraged is inherently erotic, but that is vastly different from living under the rock of shame and having it impact all of your life decisions, actions and inactions. Getting to play around with humiliation in a safe, confined space allows you find relief from your insecurities without letting it consume you. Remember that what makes some folks tick, can be destructive to others, so If you are interested in pursuing humiliation play, do so with a professional or trusted partner. Go slowly and save time for aftercare.

Make sure to explore and gain a control over your desires so that they don’t control you. This exploration will benefit you and everyone in your life.

In conclusion, wear frilly panties and suck a dick.